Secondary Infertility and What to Say When You’re Trying to Conceive

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The Internet is full of “expert” advice about how to sensitively talk, or not talk to your friends and loved ones about reproductive health, family size, and secondary infertility. But what’s more annoying than those asking ignorant questions or making obtuse comments is when people stop talking to you all together about your dreams, feelings, or struggles related to your family plans for fear they will offend or upset you.

So, instead of ordering people what NOT to say to someone with infertility, let’s drop the world-revolves-around-me mentality and empower ourselves with better responses. Like I tell my four-year-old daughter, “you’re the boss of your own body.”
 
When struggling with secondary infertility, here are some great ways to respond to the most frequently received comments:
  •  “So are you pregnant yet?!?”

Well, I haven’t started my next period yet, if that’s what you mean.

  • “You just need to relax. Don’t try so hard.”

Define ‘relax.’ Because if you saw my husband’s face when he’s sending his little swimmers up the tunnel, that my friends, is the definition of relaxed. And define ‘hard’? Let’s just say there’s no problem in that arena (wink, wink).

  • “Maybe it’s just not meant to be.”

Maybe, maybe not. But I’m not a religious person, and I don’t have a god-complex, so I couldn’t even begin to say what is and what is not ‘meant to be.’ Do you have an inside line on that?!? If so, please give us an extra shout-out to the powers that be! Because we’re still hoping to add another baby to the brood.

  • “Your life is just soooooo much easier since you have just one kid.”

I can see how you might think that, but it’s all relative. Sure, it’s easier for me to get out of the house, and run a quick errand. (Tug, tug, “Mammaaaaaa, plaaaaaay with meeeee!”) But, see how your kids are pushing each other on the swings, playing together nicely right now, and you’re able to have this uninterrupted conversation? That seems ‘sooooooo much easier’ to me right now. Also, if it was really all about what was ‘easiest,’ we probably wouldn’t have any children in the first place!

  • “I totally get it. It took me, like, two or three months to get pregnant.”

Yeah, I think most women who are trying to get pregnant feel like time passes really slowly, but actually, the research shows that it takes an average of six cycles with timed intercourse for a couple to conceive. 

  • “At least you already have a daughter.”

I am so incredibly grateful for our girl. We really won the lottery with that one.

  • “Why don’t you just do IVF or adopt?”

I don’t think those are realistic options for us, but I totally appreciate that children come to families in all kinds of ways.

  • “I’ll give you my sperm/donate my eggs/be your surrogate.”

If it’s an acquaintance: “Um, well, that’s very generous of you and all, but also kind of awkward. So yeah, thanks anyway.”
If it’s your brother: “Eww, gross. Don’t you remember that it took you, like, nine years to learn how to wipe your own butt, and that you snore really loud? No thanks.”
If it’s your bestie: “Really?!? Aww, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. I’d totally let you grow my baby.”

  • “You’re lucky. Being pregnant sucks. I’ve already gained 2.1 pounds.”

I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling well. Anything I can do to help? Your kids can always come over for a play date to give you some time to rest.

  • “Have you tried (fill in the blank)?”

I eat well, exercise regularly, take vitamins, sleep consistently, track my cycle, and I don’t drink or smoke. We got our ‘lady and gentleman’ parts checked out, I tried acupuncture, and my husband cut back his beer consumption. There is no good reason for our secondary infertility. Was there something special that worked for you?

  • “I’m sorry to  hear you’re having difficulty getting pregnant again. That must be hard.”

Thank you for saying so. Secondary infertility can be really difficult, and I have struggled a lot with it. I wondered if maybe I didn’t even want another kid. And it has put strain on our marriage, but we’ve worked through it, and I feel like we are in a really good place now.

Basically, most people mean well. Rude-seeming questions and comments likely come from a place of ignorance rather than malice, and they provide a wonderful opportunity to share your experiences. So go ahead and seize the teaching moment, appreciate another’s interest in your life, and connect with someone about the issues facing you with regard to secondary infertility.

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