Some days, I can’t help but wonder if my lovable, baby-fat-losing three-year-old is out to get me. How about you? They say that the twos are terrible, but once these cuties turn three they’ve leveled up. While they love their mamas fiercely, their verbal, physical, and emotional skills are growing and opening doors to all types of new behaviors. When posed with something that comes against what these adorable little ones’ desire, their “I’ll show you” game is strong. It can’t be escaped. The statistics provide little hope; 100 out of 100 mothers are likely to be the victim of #threeyearoldvengeance.
Documented acts of appropriate parental action countered by the wrath of three-year-old vengeance include, but are not limited to, the following:
1.You told me to stay in my room during rest time. I peed in my box of blocks and made you search for the source of the smell.
2. You put me in a shopping cart and didn’t let me run wild to touch whatever I wanted. I kicked you in the stomach at least once an aisle for good measure.
3. You made a well rounded dinner I didn’t like. I hid in the bathroom with a jar of peanut butter, and scooped it out with my hands.
4. You made me a healthy lunch option instead of buying me a kids meal on our 11 hour road trip. I threw your non-greasy selection out the window.
5. You tried to take away the candy I was eating without permission. I shoved it up my nose and made you get it out.
6. You ignored me when I called your name for the thousandth time. I mimicked the behavior; now you are worried about my hearing.
7. You quit nursing me. I will still pull your shirt down in public.
8. You let my sisters fill the house with songs of miniature ponies, princesses schools, and girls trying to meet the world. They find their little mermaid swimming in a toilet bowl full of pee.
9. You took too long to get me milk, so I drank your coffee. Hehehe…*zoom*
10. You were still sleeping when I woke up. I spat on your face to see what would happen.
11. You put a passcode on your phone. Hey 911 still works.
12. You made me put shoes on when I went outside. I took them off, dragged my feet on the deck while I rode my tricycle, and made you hold my flailing body down while you attempted to remove the splinters.
13. You forced me to sit still and get my hair cut at a salon. I have decided from now on, I cut my own.
14. You placed my birthday cake higher than I could reach. I climbed the counters and enjoyed a handful of it before others arrived for the party.
15. You made me put on those underwear I hate. I threw them in the trash and went commando at church.
16. You gave me the look. I will perfect it tonight and give it back to you tomorrow.
17. You took me bowling to give me a family fun experience and made me wait my turn. I “accidentally” dropped a bowling ball on your foot.
18. You made me run errands. I turned on the light by my seat. We aren’t going anywhere tomorrow.
19. You decided to have another baby. I will teach them all my ways.
20. I drove you to the edge of a mental break. Then I curled up on your lap, looked into your eyes, and used my growing vocabulary to say “I love you, Mommy.”
Have you been the victim of three-year-old vengeance? Help us document other funny, and not-so-funny acts in the comments or on social media using the hashtags #threeyearoldvengeance and #PDXMomsBlog.